There I said it !

Ri looks like my dad. I'm her mom and I should know. No. She does not look like my mother-in-law! Raj's family have sharp features. Regal noses. Angular faces. Ri and Raj have no similar features! Maybe they share similar expressions but then people should say she 'has similar expressions to him' and not 'she looks like him'.
And, after five years of marriage, you really stop with the 'my family' and 'your family' thing so this is not one of those rants! When you are standing at a distance from her, her long limbs and colouring is similar to RD's side of the family. She is a tall girl like my mother-in-law.

When she gets closer, I notice the mischevious glint in her eyes, her button nose, heart-shaped face and the way her features are placed and I see a little girl version of my dad minus the pot belly!

Ri put it best. I asked her who she looked like and she said 'Ninna'. My mom would concur. She hates 'familial' comparisons. So do I. I would love to agree with my mom and say kids look like themselves but I look at Ri everyday and she looks like my dad.

There, I said it.

While she walks out ......

Yesterday, I picked up Ri from her playschool. As I waited for my daughter to come out, excitement building, like paparazzi waiting for a celeb snapshot, I realised that picking your kid up from school is one of those 'Mastercard' moments.

She walked out, tiny jazzy purple Strawberry Shortcake backpack, a Winnie-the-Pooh water bottle slung on her shoulder, grimy-knees, sweaty head, pink with tiredness and some time in the sun. As I watched her from a distance, I felt a lump in my throat and my eyes involuntarily filled with tears. I was so proud of her. She was adjusting in a new environment and I knew she was giving it her best shot!

Moments like these are 'zen'! Deadlines, home and work-stress fade away. They joy of being a parent is remembered. Ri is ok. She is ok. Everything else comes second.

Dear Ri,

It's been so long since I've posted in this space. I have so much going on with my work and all the work going on in our new apartment. The sweltering heat and frequent power cuts are not helping!

10 Ri-eal Life Updates:

1. You are 2 years and 5 months now. You started playschool, it's been a good 3 days so far and I cross my fingers that you will adjust well. Last time I enrolled you, I think you might have been too young. Of course, there are some kids who adjust well at younger ages but let's just say you were not one of them.
2. You keep talking about a 'tangachi' (younger sister in Tamil)  'paapa' (baby in Tamil).
   I think you would be a great elder sister. However, you talk about the 'tangachi' as a playmate who will come everyday, play with you and leave. You get upset when I tell you that babies have to stay in their mother's stomachs till they come out into the world. Its amusing when you tell me that 'tangachi' should not be in my stomach because you will crawl back into it. I think you need a best friend! 
3. You love grouping RD, you and me together as a family. When your grandparents offer to come visit you in school or move into our new apartment, you tell them with glee that only you, your mommy and daddy will be together wherever you go! 
4. You are very religious. You love watching 'pujas' , talking about Gods and hearing their stories. You can describe how Lord Shiva lives with his family in Kailash and can point at Holy Cross and say Jesus! I love that about you and always hope you will be a secular, peaceful child. 
5. When I described the Holy Trinity to you, you were a bit disappointed that your favourite Ganesha did not make the cut! 
6. I still carry a diaper bag for you, everywhere I go. These days, I rarely seem to take stuff out of it except for your milk, water and some baby wipes. I could very well, stuff them into my regular handbag. Packing your diaper bag before we go out is a ritual for me. I love neatly folding your spare dresses, your diaper cream and powder (where am I ever going to powder you in a restaurant) and placing them in their compartments. I feel more prepared to face the world as a mother with my diaper bag! That, and the fact that I am desperately trying to hold on to every ritual associated with you as a baby as long as I can. Carrying the diaper bag around reminds me that I am a 'mother', I feel purposeful, resourceful and needed. Whatever the tribulations associated with it, I enjoy being your mom. 
7. You love playing with 'chapati' dough. So, I bought you Play-Doh. Well, it excited you for around 48 hours before you went back to demanding for your 'maavu'. 
8. Your dad totally sees through the stunt I pull in 'using you' to pass on messages to him. Every time you say you want to go out for '5-star' dinner or want a 'foreign' holiday, he looks at me suspiciously!
9. Speaking of which, we took you to the Chola for dinner and you walked into the lobby, looked around and sighed with happiness. You were delighted with the air-conditioning, the flower arrangements and the friendly staff. I think your father pretended to not know who I was because I walked you around and made you pose for pictures against paintings and artifacts. 
10. You throw tantrums saying you want to do 'computer velai' like your Amma.  You sit in front of the computer and strum away at the keys. Though, mostly you watch religious videos on Youtube. 
11. These days, you call me in a variation of names: Amma, my real name, Mommy, Mummy, Ammi and most recently, Mama! 
12. You love lipbalms and the idea of lipstick. Since I don't really own any lipsticks, I fool you with lipgloss and Nivea's lipbalm. 
13. This morning, an elderly gentleman who lives on the same road came for a visit. You saw him, ran into the kitchen and asked 'Mumu' to fill the ice-bucket with ice since 'Thatha's' friends have come in for a visit!!!!!!!!!!!!! Darling Ri, you assume we are ready to drink at anytime which we probably are ? 
14. I bought you a small schoolbag from Witco. Shopping for you at familiar places like Witco and Bata for shoes (which I only recently discovered was not an Indian company) makes me happy. It reminds me of my childhood. I don't know if you'd like the clothes from London Stores at Luz Corner or Children's Choice at Mylapore though! 
15. I don't know how old you will be when you read this. Will this storage space survive ?
    If you are reading, I want you to know that you are and will always be the light of my life. 

Love, 

Mama 

I'll always remember you like a child girl

Being a mom to a baby/toddler is hard. No! I'm not talking about the nurturing and the tangible physical implications of spending time with them. I'm talking about the toll it takes on you emotionally.

You see, I am addicted to sleeping with Ri by my side.

Ri still sleeps with RD and me and we would not have it any other way. Now that she's older, she is so much more responsive during sleep-time, she'll ask for a blanket and lovingly ask us both to snuggle into it, with her. When we do, she sighs with contentment and I can almost feel my heart crush a little with the happiness of the whole experience. Sometimes, she stretches her arms out and ask us to lay on either side. The grins, the giggles and the positive energy she gives us, is something that enthuses us day and night.

Dr Sears, one of America's high-visibility paediatrician's http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/sleep-problems/co-sleeping-yes-no-sometimes advocates what he calls sleep-sharing and I must say it works for both parents and babies.

When she was younger, I would constantly wonder when she would move to her own room, or even to her own crib, which is more of a toy-holder now. I would wonder why I was incapable of infusing more discipline into her routine.

Now, I've learnt to let go of the worrying.

Her routine is mostly unpredictable. She has not started formal school as yet and I am sure she will start sleeping earlier when she starts school and needs to be more routine-oriented. For now, she is my baby and forgive me for wanting to hold on to that a little longer.

Weaning took its toll on me. Ri has completely forgotten that phase in her life and I am amazed at how a baby who was obsessed with nursing could just 'move on' like that while I am left inexplicably sad at her transition. There are so many moments when she asks me to leave the room, clinging on to her father instead. She can now choose when she she needs me and is pretty vocal about it. When I spend too much time on my part-time job, I can sense her disappointment as I tap away at the computer keys helplessly. Sometimes, she asks for my attention. Most times, she does not. Holding her toys precariously, she has learnt to walk away when she knows she cannot disturb me.

So, I watch her, grow and laugh and love and play with a happiness that cannot be explained and can only be experienced. Yet, every happy moment is tinged with the teeny thread of sadness, again which only can be experienced and not explained.

One day, our babies will grow up, are growing up and grown up which is all a wonderfully blessed thing with a little bit of heartbreak for moms.

Blog Title: Wild World - Mr. Big