While she walks out ......

Yesterday, I picked up Ri from her playschool. As I waited for my daughter to come out, excitement building, like paparazzi waiting for a celeb snapshot, I realised that picking your kid up from school is one of those 'Mastercard' moments.

She walked out, tiny jazzy purple Strawberry Shortcake backpack, a Winnie-the-Pooh water bottle slung on her shoulder, grimy-knees, sweaty head, pink with tiredness and some time in the sun. As I watched her from a distance, I felt a lump in my throat and my eyes involuntarily filled with tears. I was so proud of her. She was adjusting in a new environment and I knew she was giving it her best shot!

Moments like these are 'zen'! Deadlines, home and work-stress fade away. They joy of being a parent is remembered. Ri is ok. She is ok. Everything else comes second.

Dear Ri,

It's been so long since I've posted in this space. I have so much going on with my work and all the work going on in our new apartment. The sweltering heat and frequent power cuts are not helping!

10 Ri-eal Life Updates:

1. You are 2 years and 5 months now. You started playschool, it's been a good 3 days so far and I cross my fingers that you will adjust well. Last time I enrolled you, I think you might have been too young. Of course, there are some kids who adjust well at younger ages but let's just say you were not one of them.
2. You keep talking about a 'tangachi' (younger sister in Tamil)  'paapa' (baby in Tamil).
   I think you would be a great elder sister. However, you talk about the 'tangachi' as a playmate who will come everyday, play with you and leave. You get upset when I tell you that babies have to stay in their mother's stomachs till they come out into the world. Its amusing when you tell me that 'tangachi' should not be in my stomach because you will crawl back into it. I think you need a best friend! 
3. You love grouping RD, you and me together as a family. When your grandparents offer to come visit you in school or move into our new apartment, you tell them with glee that only you, your mommy and daddy will be together wherever you go! 
4. You are very religious. You love watching 'pujas' , talking about Gods and hearing their stories. You can describe how Lord Shiva lives with his family in Kailash and can point at Holy Cross and say Jesus! I love that about you and always hope you will be a secular, peaceful child. 
5. When I described the Holy Trinity to you, you were a bit disappointed that your favourite Ganesha did not make the cut! 
6. I still carry a diaper bag for you, everywhere I go. These days, I rarely seem to take stuff out of it except for your milk, water and some baby wipes. I could very well, stuff them into my regular handbag. Packing your diaper bag before we go out is a ritual for me. I love neatly folding your spare dresses, your diaper cream and powder (where am I ever going to powder you in a restaurant) and placing them in their compartments. I feel more prepared to face the world as a mother with my diaper bag! That, and the fact that I am desperately trying to hold on to every ritual associated with you as a baby as long as I can. Carrying the diaper bag around reminds me that I am a 'mother', I feel purposeful, resourceful and needed. Whatever the tribulations associated with it, I enjoy being your mom. 
7. You love playing with 'chapati' dough. So, I bought you Play-Doh. Well, it excited you for around 48 hours before you went back to demanding for your 'maavu'. 
8. Your dad totally sees through the stunt I pull in 'using you' to pass on messages to him. Every time you say you want to go out for '5-star' dinner or want a 'foreign' holiday, he looks at me suspiciously!
9. Speaking of which, we took you to the Chola for dinner and you walked into the lobby, looked around and sighed with happiness. You were delighted with the air-conditioning, the flower arrangements and the friendly staff. I think your father pretended to not know who I was because I walked you around and made you pose for pictures against paintings and artifacts. 
10. You throw tantrums saying you want to do 'computer velai' like your Amma.  You sit in front of the computer and strum away at the keys. Though, mostly you watch religious videos on Youtube. 
11. These days, you call me in a variation of names: Amma, my real name, Mommy, Mummy, Ammi and most recently, Mama! 
12. You love lipbalms and the idea of lipstick. Since I don't really own any lipsticks, I fool you with lipgloss and Nivea's lipbalm. 
13. This morning, an elderly gentleman who lives on the same road came for a visit. You saw him, ran into the kitchen and asked 'Mumu' to fill the ice-bucket with ice since 'Thatha's' friends have come in for a visit!!!!!!!!!!!!! Darling Ri, you assume we are ready to drink at anytime which we probably are ? 
14. I bought you a small schoolbag from Witco. Shopping for you at familiar places like Witco and Bata for shoes (which I only recently discovered was not an Indian company) makes me happy. It reminds me of my childhood. I don't know if you'd like the clothes from London Stores at Luz Corner or Children's Choice at Mylapore though! 
15. I don't know how old you will be when you read this. Will this storage space survive ?
    If you are reading, I want you to know that you are and will always be the light of my life. 

Love, 

Mama 

I'll always remember you like a child girl

Being a mom to a baby/toddler is hard. No! I'm not talking about the nurturing and the tangible physical implications of spending time with them. I'm talking about the toll it takes on you emotionally.

You see, I am addicted to sleeping with Ri by my side.

Ri still sleeps with RD and me and we would not have it any other way. Now that she's older, she is so much more responsive during sleep-time, she'll ask for a blanket and lovingly ask us both to snuggle into it, with her. When we do, she sighs with contentment and I can almost feel my heart crush a little with the happiness of the whole experience. Sometimes, she stretches her arms out and ask us to lay on either side. The grins, the giggles and the positive energy she gives us, is something that enthuses us day and night.

Dr Sears, one of America's high-visibility paediatrician's http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/sleep-problems/co-sleeping-yes-no-sometimes advocates what he calls sleep-sharing and I must say it works for both parents and babies.

When she was younger, I would constantly wonder when she would move to her own room, or even to her own crib, which is more of a toy-holder now. I would wonder why I was incapable of infusing more discipline into her routine.

Now, I've learnt to let go of the worrying.

Her routine is mostly unpredictable. She has not started formal school as yet and I am sure she will start sleeping earlier when she starts school and needs to be more routine-oriented. For now, she is my baby and forgive me for wanting to hold on to that a little longer.

Weaning took its toll on me. Ri has completely forgotten that phase in her life and I am amazed at how a baby who was obsessed with nursing could just 'move on' like that while I am left inexplicably sad at her transition. There are so many moments when she asks me to leave the room, clinging on to her father instead. She can now choose when she she needs me and is pretty vocal about it. When I spend too much time on my part-time job, I can sense her disappointment as I tap away at the computer keys helplessly. Sometimes, she asks for my attention. Most times, she does not. Holding her toys precariously, she has learnt to walk away when she knows she cannot disturb me.

So, I watch her, grow and laugh and love and play with a happiness that cannot be explained and can only be experienced. Yet, every happy moment is tinged with the teeny thread of sadness, again which only can be experienced and not explained.

One day, our babies will grow up, are growing up and grown up which is all a wonderfully blessed thing with a little bit of heartbreak for moms.

Blog Title: Wild World - Mr. Big

To Ri or not to Ri - Part One

Ever so often, I wonder about that elusive second child. Do I want one? Do I need one? What if I denying Ri something by not having one? What if I am denying myself a career by having one at this stage?
I am a Libran so even if that means, constantly and carefully evaluating and balancing decisions, it also means a scale that is always tilting, I am pretty indecisive.

With Ri, it all seemed so much simpler.....
After we had been married for 2 years, RD was convinced he wanted a baby. And, in case you do not know, he is a sales guy. He can sell his point pretty convincingly, when he makes an attempt to. I was a bumbling 27-year old who has a whole lot of nothing going on at that point of my life. I was running a design unit which was largely unsuccessful, we had a great team and were high on motivation but low on luck and a clients! I wrote part-time for an online newsletter and even that project dwindled away!

RD would pat the space in-between us in our bed and say " One day we'll have our little baby here. I cannot wait to see him/her."

My closest girlfriends and cousin were having babies, so that was definite motivation and I had a husband who desperately wanted one. Who was I to say no?

So, we decided to have our baby and I think that was the best thing that happened to me at that stage of my life.

I had all this energy.

If you've known me for long, you'd probably nod your head and smile.

I have a lot of energy when I decide to do something. I make a plan, I write lists, I fret, obsesss, rant and push myself a lot. What can you do with that much energy and no customers to transfer it to? I put it all into Ri. I prayed for a healthy baby. I asked for a fresh start. And, a little girl.

The pregnancy was the best thing that could have happened to me. I needed a break. Desperately. And, Ri gave me that.

I finally had a reason to shut down my unit. Letting my designers go was painful, feeling like a failure, even more so. Seeing the disappointment in my father's eyes that I was not cut down to be an entrepreneur, let's not even go there....but nothing was that bad because I had my 'little baby' to look forward to.

Between RD's travelling and my work, we had never really found the time to travel together.
Mid-pregnancy, we took a nice long babymoon to Malaysia and Phuket. Even when she was in my stomach, she brought me a lot of luck and happiness. RD and I had a great time, we ate at McDonalds, held hands, took the Monorail aimlessly, ate Seitan with fried rice, watched chick flicks, ate caramel popcorn. We did a lot of touristy stuff. I read Eat, Pray and Love, ate Key Lime pie and bought a pink  hand-bag. You might have thought we were on our honeymoon, you know like them couples who discover they are pregnant and then decide to get married!

On the first day of Navarathri 2009, we were in Malaysia when we discovered we were having a girl.

To be continued